Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Mommy had a meltdown!!!


I am not angelic, I'm not a saint, I'm not a overly patient person, in fact I am just a mom just like every other mom out there who is a mom. The only difference is I'm also my kids teacher....

I made this decision and it is very worth it, BUT it is the hardest thing I've ever done! I am entirely responsible for all they learn....HOLY SH**.....what was I thinking?! I don't have the option to just rely on someone else to help my kids learn to read or do math or learn about the world. Most days I feel like I'm in hyper drive trying to insure they get all that they need and yet KNOWING that what we did that day wasn't enough and at the same time not knowing what ENOUGH is. Throw into the mix a wonderful daughter who is very behind her peers and you have a recipe for a run in.....

We are now in first grade math!!!!! WOW way to go Anya!!!! I've learned with Anya over the years that I can't make her go faster than she is able, a fact that I forget every once in a while. At times I let the worry of her not being up with her peers over ride what I know I should be doing for her. Its a constant tug of war, I have to push her to keep her progressing but if I push too hard then she regresses. I'm never sure of where the line is until we pass it up and I stop and go "oh yeah you great git of a mom you know this"

So we were doing MATH this morning...yeah just my favorite subject (if you know me then you know its a love and hate relationship).... Anyways we were working on number lines and she had to figure out the number in between two numbers ex: 11 12 13 14 ___ 16 17 ____ 19 ____ 21. For the life of her she just couldn't do it on her own, even tho we'd been doing it all last week and yesterday.... When teaching her its very easy to lose your cool, she procrastinates, she whines, she complains, she makes up being sick or tired or she will leave and go to the bathroom and hide........ And she had already done all this with our reading work, it took her over a hour today where it took 15 min yesterday. SO I was already unraveled and add in a tired mommy who didn't get to go to bed until 1:30am thanks to a baby who woke up at 12am and proceeded to laugh, kick, and giggle in bed in the dark..... Well I LOST it I mean really bad, I was yelling to myself and saying how frustrated I was and shaking my arms and hands in the air (I probably looked like RaeLee when she throws her fits) Both Anya and Emory were just looking at me, and I could see that I upset them. It was definitely NOT a good mommy moment. I apologized and we proceeded to work on her math together. Which by the way she did on her own once she knew I wasn't going to do it.....

I know it was one of those perfect storm moments but the older she gets the more we are realizing how "different" she is. We had a neighborhood girl around this summer who was 8 and to see the difference was at times a blow to my heart. I am so very aware of what a gift she is, how wonderful she is, how kind, smart, funny, and creative she is.... But I am also just a mom who wants the best for her. A mom who at times still mourns the fact that Anya's life is different than my other kids and of my own. I know that just because its different that doesn't make it bad.... BUT I also know our society thrives on certain rules and I worry about her future. This is why I push her so hard. I set goals for us for school all the time and maybe one day I'll know where to set them, because right now all I do is change them.

Last night I talked with her Occupational Therapist who she has been seeing for 3 years now and he said it was time to discharge her. We kinda talked about doing it last year, but I felt that she needed it still. This time I'm comfortable with it. Craig said he can't stump her anymore, that he keeps trying to find something she can't do, and he hasn't been able to :) Which is simply amazing considering when we first started it she had a hard time holding a crayon and drawing. Now all she wants to do is draw and write and its amazing she is very talented at it!!! There is a little part of the crazy mom in me that wonders if she will be okay from now on with out it..... But judging from how she is now I think she will be fine. He also reminded me that once you get her to be excited about something or get her to a "ah ha" moment then she just TAKES off....its just getting to that point that is hard.

I suppose its back to the drawing board and backing off of math for a little bit....we'll go back and review and find things to supplement what we've learned recently to help her understand more. Two steps forward - one step back....means we are still progressing even if its hard to see at the moment!

Heather

3 comments:

Ruby said...

oh, Heather oh, Heather. I wish I could reach out and hug you. At this moment my children are fighting and coloring the kitchen floor in yogurt, even though I told them dinner is in a half hour. I'm locked in my room reading your blog instead of intervening. What a great mom I am ;)

Rachy Maree said...

I feel for you... I am sorry. Corban and I stopped going to his therapy about 8 months ago, it was hard and I didn't think he was ready, but his teachers have helped so much. He is a different kid from the one we started with 2 years ago. I don't think I would be able to handle life if I had to homeschool him. I am just not good enough. More power to you. Keep up all you are doing, you are amazing.

Rosa Family said...

I know that you know I COMPLETELY understand this!! I need to tell you where Kelly is....she is doing the math that McKenzie is doing....it's hard to see it and it is hard to know that I am responsible to make sure she gets to where she needs to be....not only that but I also have a classroom full of other people's kids (one with all the things Anya has) and then my OWN on top of that. Sure, we help eachother at the school but it is all on our shoulders to get our kids were they need to be a teach them. Every day I wonder what the heck I am doing....but those days where you had 15 min for reading, remember them....it will carry you. Remember the spirit in your home when she had her "ah-ha" moment....and hold onto that and it will hopefully get you through to the next "ah-ha" moment. That's all I can do and that's all you can do. There are times I look at Kelly, and the work I am having her do and I want to cry. I can't understand it sometimes. I want to give up and do what all the "normal" people are doing. That is my irrational thinking of course. Then if I step back (like you did) and see how far she has come....that is worth every minute of heartache and tears. Yes, Kelly is not Anya....but i do understand the mother/homeschool part of all of this. It is the biggest challenge and the hardest thing but yet the most important thing you can do for your daughter. Think of where she would be if you put her in public school....that though scares me to death. It does you too!! :-) You are doing an amazing job and your spirit in your home teaches through you....sometimes I want to throw in the towel but you also know that it is normal to feel that way and the reasons why you are doing this far outway anything else! I am sure by the time you get this you would have completely recovered from you "mommy moment" so just ignore everything I just said! ;-) Just know that you are not alone, and you are doing an AMAZING job with your family!! If awards could be given out for mommy of the year you would have gotten them all for the last 8 years!! Love ya Heather!