Our Growing Family

This pregnancy has been different than my others.

With Anya we were the glorious first time parents who thought everything would be perfect and had the illusion that babies come without any issues. And like so many first time parents we found ourselves shocked into reality and learned real fast that we were no longer incharge of our lives. Emory decided to really shock and awe us and we learned how strong we are as a family and how to get through really really hard times. With RaeLee's pregnancy we had alot of hope that things wouldn't be as bad as with Emory, but again things happened and we found ourselves fighting against the odds. This time the blinders are fully off and I've realized how deeply I am grateful to be pregnant, and how extremely JELOUS I am of other pregies who are in thier happy and complaining illusions of their pregnancies. I've let a few of my friends know this and I've been surprised that they've been shocked by my admission. So I was reading one of my MANY preemie books and I found this little thought provoking passage that is ment for friends and family of those expecting another preemie... I hope you enjoy, and I hope maybe it will give you a tiny glimpse of how and why I am so jelous of all the wonderful happy perfect birth stories...and yes, to me all your stories of LONG, TEDIOUS, PAINFUL, births are perfect.

Imagine

Imagine
the unimaginable

Imagine
the countdown to your due date taking on an urgency that could be a matter of life and death

Imagine
all you have read about pregnancy and infancy becoming useless, and everything you believe about what to expect becoming irrelevant.

Imagine
the uncertainty and confusion, the fear and dread that replaces happy anticipation.

Imagine
feeling your unborn baby kick and move-knowing how each day inside matters and hoping for a week, a day, an hour.

Imagine
enduring a medical crisis during a time that is meant to be challenging, but still smooth and natural.

Imagine
bracing yourself for the worst, during a time that is supposed to be filled with the best.

Imagine
the losses. Imagine being robbed of the final months of pregnancy-that time of preparation, adjustment, and delicious anticipation.

Imagine
missing the birth you had planned, losing forever thos first precious moments after delivery.

Imagine
your tiny, unfinished baby-perhaps blue and unresponsive-whisked away by strangers in scrubs.

Imagine
being left with empty arms and an aching heart.

Imagine
facing an overwhelming, unfamiliar, and frightening landscape-a foreign land-where humming machines loom over tiny babies.

Imagine
struggling to learn a new language of newborn intensive care, not comprehending what is happening.

Imagine
a flood of questions filling your mind, along with the terror of asking them and hearing the answers.

Imagine
wanting to hope, being afraid to hope, longing to know what the future holds.

Imagine
wanting to protect your baby from pain and suffering in the NICU, knowing that your womb or your arms are far gentler than the embrace of warming beds and ventilators.

Imagine
aching to nurse a baby who is far to young or sick to suckle.

Imagine
longing to caress and cuddle, fearing that your touch will hurt.

Imagine
holding your baby for the first time and realizing that your voice and touch are comforting.

Imagine
going home without your new baby, to an unfinished nursery and a life turned upside down.

Imagine
an uncertain future stretching before you, perhaps filled with doctors and evaluations and therapists.

Imagine
watching your baby's breath and not taking it for granted.

Imagine
measuring your baby's feedings in milliliters and weight by gram and then ounce.

Imagine
having to work so hard to help your baby grow and develop, and wanting so much to attain a sense of normalcy.

Imagine
feeling all alone, searching for a way to convey this experience to the people who care about you.

Imagine
being faced with an unexpected path, a journey that is so very different from the one you had planned.

"Imagine by Dianne Maroney"

Anyways, Nash and I know the risks we are taking this time. And we are enjoying the journey, I just view it as my responcibility to help others understand what preemie moms go through. So all I ask is that you be gentle with them and realize how jelous they are of you. Please enjoy your pregnancies, revel in them, enjoy the uncomfortable times, count the stretch marks, and be glad to give birth to BIG babies no matter how much time or pain it takes. Do that for those of us who can't walk in your shoes and would do anything we could to do so.

Love
Heather